Anybody Fancy a Test Match?

Southee and some well-deserved oysters

Nobody eagerly confesses to obsessions but there are many millions of cricket lovers who have become transfixed by the World Test Championship, despite all of its ridiculousness. Least spoken about amongst the many absurdities is the fact that South Africa might arrive for the biggest Test in their history having not played the format for just over six months.

South Africa need to beat Pakistan in one of their two remaining matches starting at Hollywoodbets Kingsmead on December 26 and WSB Newlands on January 3 to clinch a place in the final at Lord’s on June 11. If they do so, that’ll be six months without Test cricket.

Two months ago I put the hypothetical situation to Test coach Shukri Conrad: “There’s a lot of cricket to be played before that happens,” he said, “but if it does then we’ll make a plan. We’ve already had to make a few plans just to have a chance of getting there.”

What plans might those be, I wondered: “We could play an SA ‘A’ team before we leave, maybe organise a game or two against county teams when we arrive, perhaps the ECB would appreciate a game against an England Lions team…Zimbabwe might be open to a Test match. I don’t know…but we would make a plan to play the best cricket possible,” Conrad said.

Cricketers are a superstitious bunch in the main but the scenario, which looked distant before the 2-0 series win in Bangladesh, and still a long way off before the 2-0 victory over Sri Lanka, now becoming more sharply focussed, quiet discussions are being had. Nobody wants to tempt fate, after all.

The more shambolic the Pakistan Cricket Board becomes, the more unpredictable but dangerous the team on the field become. South Africa’s own cricketers know all too well what it feels like to produce your best performances in spite of your employers rather than because of them. But the Proteas have now won five Tests on the bounce and form points strongly to at least one win out of two.

The current version of thee Border/Gavaskar Trophy may well have attracted the same global interest without the WTC, but I suspect not. The Indian team, to their great credit and everyone else’s benefit, are at least semi-obsessed with the Test Championship. As are the BCCI, or so it seems. India need to win the remaining three Tests against Australia to clinch a place in the WTC final, a narrative which has prevailed over merely winning the series.

It is hyper-ventilating to think what the WTC could actually do for Test cricket if it ever became a regular league, recognisable to the people who follow and care about it. Even to those who play it. But all of its current absurdities have failed to dim the lights of anticipation and excitement. Two teams will never play against each other, the big fish play five Tests amongst themselves while the whitebait and anchovies survive on two amongst themselves. South Africa played neither Australia nor England in the current cycle. But if the Proteas get to Lord’s, and win, nobody will care or remember. They would just be World Champions. Temba and Siya.

- Tim Southee will bid farewell to Test cricket tomorrow in his 107^th and final match at his home ground, Seddon Park, in his hometown of Hamilton. It has been a stellar career with 389 wickets and some memorable batting cameos including 95 sixes. He has been considerably below his best for over a year now having failed to take more than two wickets in his last 21 innings. Many say he should have stepped down sooner, or been dropped.

The ‘Members End’ has been renamed in his honour for his final Test. Nobody will, or can, confirm whether it is a permanent renaming or just for the next five days. But New Zealand sport has been poor in honouring their stars so, in principle, it is the right thing to do. Here’s hoping that some gentle away-swingers and over-robust Bazball batting earns him a gold watch and suitable memories for his retirement.