Full. Embarrassing. Bazball.

Pathetic England farewell to, and by Stokes

Ben Stokes delivered and enjoyed many great performances as an international cricketer and provided England supporters with many moments to cherish, memories to last a lifetime. He wasn’t a great international cricketer but he was always selfless on the field. The team always came first and for that his legacy should be appreciated. Lauded, if you are inclined.

There are many legitimate reasons for him discarding the captaincy after four years in charge. He was, ultimately, not supported by his employers when he felt it was most required. Late night drinks after a Test win against New Zealand to kick-start the post-Ashes debacle. Opaque midnight curfew blah blah.

He wasn’t even in the building when Saracens academy rugby player, Totoa Auvaa, swung a punch at his wingman, Gus Atkinson. He was outside having a fag. After three months on the waggon the England captain was letting his hair down and enjoying a much needed victory. But when the news broke, his bosses veered towards condemnation.

Righteous indignation followed and what Stokes will now live with forever, possible quite comfortably, is that he turned his final Test match into a circus. For the first time in his fine career, the team came second. It was all about him. Everything, suddenly, was about him.

When the statement was released to the media it was embargoed until 3:25pm UK time, 15 minutes before the tea-break on the fourth day of the decisive match of the series. There may be reasons for the randomness, possibly a media ‘leak’ forcing the ECB to jump ahead, even a poignant time for Stokes himself – the timing of his beloved father Jed’s death – but chaotic, nonetheless.

Just two weeks ago one of the game’s greatest cricketers slipped away as quietly as he possibly could. Persuaded, desperately, to rediscover his passion for the most demanding format of the game, he delayed the retirement he knew was unavoidable four months ago. Kane Williamson waited until the first Test at Lord’s had died down before slipping quietly away with dignity and a mountain of respect.

Stokes told his team-mates on the morning of the fourth day at Trent Bridge. And allowed the ECB’s in-house communications and social media team to film his very personal and equally awkward announcement. Perhaps that was in his contract. It would be quite a contract which disallowed the most private of moments to remain so.

What transpired after the announcement was intoxicating and embarrassing in equal measure. Having endured one of Test cricket’s most gruelling and determined old-fashioned centuries in recent times, England were faced with a fourth innings target of 373 in approximately 118 over. Daryl Mitchell faced 241 deliveries to reach his landmark, using three helmets in the process and wearing multiple bruises.

Harry Brook made 21 from nine balls, comical if it weren’t so sad. Stokes opened the batting and attempted to reverse-lap his second ball. He smashed Will O’Rourke’s first delivery so hard back at the bowler that he was forced to leave the field with a distressed digit on his bowling hand. Ben Sears was already off the field with a similar condition. New Zealand were down to two frontline seamers and a left arm spinner, Mitch Santner.

Yet England chose to go ‘full’ Bazball. Ben Duckett was reverse-sweeping the seamers and Brook was behaving like a spoilt toddler having a tantrum. It was the most pathetic sight I have witnessed in Test cricket, ever. But I’ve only been reporting and commentating on it for 38 years, so don’t use my assessment as a yardstick. With the opposition’s bowling attack so compromised, a slightly more measured and grown-up approach to ‘positive’ batting might have seemed appropriate.

Brook, as official vice-captain, seems the obvious replacement for Stokes as captain. Good luck to England if he is. Drunkenly attempting to force his way into a nightclub in the early hours of the morning before an ODI, and being punched by the bouncer, is a gross misdemenour. Batting as he did at Trent Bridge on the fourth evening of a Test match would be a disgrace if it wasn’t so comically disrespectful.

South Africa have three Tests against Australia and two against Bangladesh this summer before they face England. But if the ageing Australians salvage a result against the Proteas and the Bangla Tigers cause an upset of sorts, England’s dismal, clueless Bazballers have no chance. Unless Brendan McCullum and his childish futurism have been dispensed with before then. Which I suspect, and hear, is likely.